Arrogance is Bliss - Part 2 May 2014 onwards

Arrogance is Bliss Part 2

It is only Part 2 because I cannot seem to save more text onto the one google blog post -maybe it is too big now.

I have decided it's not a book -it's just a blog!  

( 1st July 2015)

This means I don't have to endlessly mess around re-writing it to make it of publishable quality with regards to lack of typos and consistency in fonts and chapter heading and convert to an ebook format etc. It is here -you can copy paste it onto ...something else to read it if you wish.

The only way it may be a book is if I just copy paste it onto an ebook format in all it's scruffy glory!
 

17th May - further meditation

May 2014 More Meditation -Blog-style this is what happened.

I have been progressing especially due to long chats with the more determined seekers in sl who cared not much for prognostications about the weather and always seemed to get right into it when I spoke to them.
One described "glimpses" of the ..whatever...the oneness. Which I immediately loved and rewrote as Glimpses (capital G).

My Glimpses have been longer. And ever more disturbing to the mental processes.
I have become to see the world, the "reality" or "real life" as its called in sl- as a dream or even a bit of a self-con.
When thinking stops there is what is with no add-ons and yet there is more than a lack of thinking; there is a perception or Understanding that is very unsettling upon return to the habitual run of thought. The awareness of things seems to be one thing, by which I more exactly mean The-Awareness-Of-Things is one thing there isn't an Awareness and things perceived. There seems to be One Thing that contains My World and that is a Real Me. Thereafter My World can be seen as flat,with no near and far or like a day dream, a world in my imagination.
Surprises happen in dreams , even in day dreams - well they do in mine -as one assigns that power to the dream participants. And good things and bad things -it's just like...reality.
Am I dreaming the world and pretending I am not? If I had to put money on it -I would say  -yes. My intuition tells me the world is just too improbable to have made itself without either my imagination or a Creator and it also tells me that the idea of me creating the whole world is so fantastic  -it just has to be true!

Re-do from start

Time to meditate again -but before I do I want to re-do from start. I am concerned I am being swept along by the "You fool, you are Everything" Buddha-loving ,oneness-loving enlightened happy happy people." . I want my truth, not theirs. Time to re-detach from all preconceived ideas and start again -if I can manage it. But having come so far I feel more scalpel -like in my ability.

Who am I? -no idea
What's going on then? What can be said?
There is an experience.
There is awareness.
There are thoughts about both.
The Awareness and experience seem not-separated, and are as one. Only after the thought "I am" occurs do things start to be me and not-me.
But this is just my perception of what is occurring -it doesn't make it true -I mean it all could be like the Matrix film and really my (unperceiving) body is plugged into a big computer somewhere.
So
There is an awareness of experience.
The experience includes the world manifesting before me and the summation of mental activity. Life is happening.
And the awareness/experience is one thing

I wrote a load of stuff and just deleted it.
Add-ons and more add-ons. I have seen the word skandhas  -garments that clothe the self , in some Buddhism texts and it does seems to fit.
There is a permanent "I" or ­Awareness. There are various "garments" that seem to add to it and the world and clothe them in definitions.
My world is not a dream, it just is what it is.
There is the awareness with the experience but to say anything about it seems to little and not enough. I could add it is dynamic, but the direction or purpose must be cautiously brief and I would go along with "becoming" a word I have seen favoured in some texts.
After Buddhism then - The suchness is becoming.
There is no separation, everything is: This not that ,Here not there, Now not then. It is all This Here Now. ThisHereNow.

Perhaps this is the best definition I have of The Real Me:-
I am This, Here, Now, Becoming. (THNB).
If you go with that and refuse to add-on , you might experience this from this signpost of words (THNB).
Just refuse to add-on and if add-ons occur just witness them from ThisHereNowBecoming.
Any new word that doesn't mean anything much works as something to call Myself! I am Zen -whatever. Suchness. Atman seems to have become confused with a not-atman debate, anatta or something -Sanskrit and Pali - I will leave that to the scholars!

If I close my eyes I can shed all the thoughts and garments,add-ons that attempt to define what I am - and there is a pinpoint of calm , the eye of the storm, the still air in the middle of swirling leaves of mental activity. And then when I open my eyes and behold the world, refusing to add-on to the experience with mental activity, I find there is no separation with the things perceived and the pinpoint seems to be them so that things exist because of the awareness. Then if I take my attention off the cups and saucers of the experience and widen the focus to everything and nothing specific, I find a One Thing which again, is not separate, that I cannot communicate here -it's an experience!  But poetry might help or the prosaic; the silence speaks thus: I am the wind, I am the rain, I am the early morning dew, I am the bird on the wing, I am this brief candle, the stars and all of time , I drift timeless with love in my heart.

17th May - further meditation

My world - your world, my awareness your awareness.

There is only One view!

To recap I like the analogy of the drop of water in the ocean that defines itself thus and yet to a passing scuba diver seems indistinguishable from the main vast body water of the earth's oceans !
The drop examines itself and finds only a wall of thought , of mini-self definitions that separate it from the whole.
The tiny drop then wonders who or what is this awareness that it is, that can look at any thought even those that seeks to define a self, ie mini-self, and really cannot see anything except the vast ocean, pure awareness. This has been my experience -I can only see the pure awareness , an awareness that seems to not-be defined by anything it perceives.
I then had the peculiar experience that the awareness and objects perceived were one. As if the awareness only started to exist as it alighted on things perceived. And everything started to become one thing -the awareness and everything was one thing. And it felt much like the world, my world was a day dream of my own creation.
I then as I removed all labels of Here and There(distance), This and That(types of things), Now and Then (time), that perhaps My World was just a movie playing out on my eyeballs , or perhaps really a flat image that became the 3d world I have been calling reality only due to the mind and it's interpretation of the funny shapes and colours seen. And so I wondered (thought) and became confused and considered the idea that my world was all there was. -which was a worry!
Sooo
I meditated further -sat with the confusions -watched the thought and made more progress. Thus:-

I realised that my Pure Awareness or awareness/perception  was the same as anyone else's and the same a "God's". This was my experience.
I might explain it as follows - but you might be better off finding out for yourself as I have said.
There is One Thing that is Everything. So that means the awareness I have is the same awareness as yours -but how can this be when you see different stuff to me?
The answer is seen beneath the labels. When all the labels come off the world all that remains is...The Matrix ...the Creation ..The Illusion ..The Fabrication constructed to appear as many things that really is only one thing. Thus when I "open my eyes" I see what you see....The One Creation , The One Thing. And. And because there is only one thing the awareness we have that seems to be from different viewpoints collapses -because in "reality" we both see the same thing -The One Thing. It is the playing out of the duality: from separation -I see my world from my centre of observation ,my body position (mostly) ,you see yours and from unity -we both not only see the same thing but have the same "position" or view or viewpoint , in that we both see it.
I see the one thing - so do you -and thus the awareness is the same.
I see the world. You see the world. There is only one point of view and one world to see. Thus my awareness is your awareness. The thoughts of separation that disagree or redefine this state of affairs seem to be the only problem with it. And these thoughts all 'vanish' in meditation.
Note: This is my experience in meditation. As a philosophical or theological argument of logic it may be flawed ,ignore other possible conclusions (etc etc etc) and it should be read as my belief system only -until you find your own truth!
Remove all the labels from the world and I can imagine being encircled by a vast view of nothing -maybe perhaps just white light, or blank white walls. And If that is Reality -then it's your reality too -and we are the same....As I said -this doesn't necessarily work logically -but is is my Understanding and experience in meditation.
I can see the world as a Matrix like in the Matrix movie , ie just give it one label "The Matrix"  and also I can see all mental activity as well -all the thoughts and emotions about it. Then I depart from the movie because  my view, my awareness not only collapses into being inseparable from The Matrix but also collapses into your awareness too!
There is One Thing - which includes all viewpoints , all different types of awareness really being One also. The One Thing has an awareness of itself.This has been my experience.
Meanwhile if there is a "Universal Mind" a kind of Creator, or God that exists that can see all the awarenesses -mine, yours, his, hers, everyones, everything's (knows every hair on your head etc)- you will see how God has the same view as I do! We see ourself. I see Myself. I see The Self (Buddhism etc).
It's all a bit of a mind bender -thoughts arise that seek to sort this all out-but seems to makes sense when I "go there" in meditation!


Deleted section -repetition?
I marked this section for deletion - as I felt it repeated what I have already said. But there is so much of it -I thought I would leave it in -maybe it will be of service
Hmmm.
But,
If I include my intuition in the experience and all metaphysical feelings -then there is more than this occurring
The Awareness seems to be a very large undefinable thing. It's the black hole of intuitional experiences -it seems without limit. Looking within my body for it, or looking outside the body for it -it is the same -HUGE.
There is a body-based,body-centred experience occurring. With mental activity. And the mental activity includes ideas and emotions about the experience. Mental activity also includes a basic basic interpretation of the perceptions into three dimensional solid objects that are at varying distances from the body-centre. But without the thoughts and emotions the world is left somewhat naked. And without the 3D interpretational thoughts put on the world - the experience becomes naked in the extreme. In fact I begin to feel that I am seeing a real reality when I "stare blankly" at all the unnamed shapes and colours. The world I knew seems now like an elaborate illusion and an illusion made in the mind so that in reality, real reality , the world is nothing but a dream in my awareness or consciousness.
Whether this is the truth I cannot say. And the logical thoughts flood in for possible alternative explanations. Maybe the world would look like that when uninterpreted by a discerning mind, like a child, ... and so what? Don't label anything and the world has no labels -so what?
But there is a truth there in the unlabelled world, the unlabelled experience. A truth that feels true and honest. It feels clean and bright and joyfully full of life. Almost blissful. Certainly peaceful. Like coming home and putting the kettle on. Phew. It does feel like the truth. It feels like this finally is reality...and it's all kind of a dream -haha.
When doubts arise to question the above "Peace and Truth" - they can be watched by the "Peace and Truth" and the New Reality is untainted.
It seems to be only the new labelling and old labelling that might question the New Reality.
Actually the labelling is all occurring as it arises in this moment. There is only this moment. Time seems to become a label and the truth of time a label on a label!
Stop labelling and the world is a strange bird indeed!

I shall meditate further by:-
Watching the add-ons.
I will watch the labels.
Is that a label?
etc

Wow gosh darn
Everything looks like my dream. A dream is the best way to describe it. In a dream there isn't a me really- just a central point of reference because everything in the dream, the walls and doors and carpet is of my manufacture ...and yet there are surprises and so forth in the dream even so. But it also feels like a game -a game to experience emotions and Life generally from the  viewpoint of being an individual in a separate world.
I meditated some more and I felt fear and loneliness while I watched Life happen , because I felt like I was a lonely Creator of a world of my own fabrication: an isolated magician, the sole occupant of her vast illusory world. But I remembered my methodology and watched these fears and they slowly dissolved. Is this the personality's last stand?
And I re­member to ask "What am I?"
"What am I, if not a thought?
And I sort of dived into myself to find out.
I feel like the Dreamer of all my world but who is this dreamer when the dream ends, when "I die", when the body dies?... There still remains the dreamer! But the dream changes and changes to whatever scenario I feel might happen next. I wonder if each incarnation is part of a longer dream. And all the incarnations part of a bigger dream still. And if that is also a small part of an even bigger dream and if every step to the next level goes on and on forever. And all these layers of dreams as part of larger dreams seem to be happening now -there is only this moment. ... ... But I labelled all this a big thought construction for the moment and had another look at who I am.
But I could only find the Pure Awareness. It feels alive like an unformed pool of life.
What I did see was how my mind works -how dwelling on a negative thought and holding it as negative and not really part of a silly dream could spin the person I was into despair. And yet also how seeing the beauty and joy of things can fire me to a wonderful peace. And I feel a curious appreciation for the wonder of it all.
I must assume being here in this place at this time is where I want to be. And have been. All that earlier despair at my plight in a separate world was just an experience without substance and yet at the time ohhh the agony of it. It's just the mind that has suffering type thoughts and the emotions follow but not to represent a depressed me  but merely as something that's surrounds and occupies the awareness as an experience. The illusion is that the emotions are colouring a me, like a carpet can be of any colour or pattern and is defined by that  -yet the raw carpet (if you like - the pure awareness) is without pattern. So I choose happy thoughts of wonder and appreciation and the emotions of joy and love follow -why not?
As for dying and what follows I wonder if I will keep myself in mystery! Another game? Or maybe I shall choose. Either way -it's all a dream. The Awareness will just experience it all.
I do however want to alleviate some of the mental suffering in the world - I want to return to help the dreamers awaken. I feel I have been attempting to do this (reduce suffering in the world) for some considerable time and without too much success. I suppose suffering could all be dissolved with a Thought but that somehow violates the idea that each person has free will -which they do, save that it is God-given. The Creation has been established as it is - Let there be Life - It now creates itself, trees grow, ducks fly, planets of just rocks "people" (to people: create people,"peopling rocks"- a new verb coined by Alan Watts in his exploration of the concept of 'consciousness in everything' ) ...why instantly eradicate all suffering and radically change the Creation overnight?
As for God -I can feel a Presence of Universal Energy and Grace sometimes and other times there is just Pure Awareness.
I suppose that's it - consciousness is in everything. In My World, My Dream I have let go a little and let the dream dream itself. You can compete with me and win in my dream! Ouch -hehe. And all of everything that I have let go of , that dreams itself, is embraced by what I could call, "God". But yet, if I look before the thought "I am" there is just Pure Undefined Awareness  - a oneness with this "God".

But I felt glum!
There was glumness! The dreamer felt it(!) was dreaming a dream of it's own creation. The movie was playing out , life was happening but I felt like I was the very light that splayed on the screen and made the whole thing. This had a glum, boring, if not sad feeling,emotion associated with it.
However I returned to my meditation methodology and to be on the safe side decided to 'witness' all these thoughts about needing a ...game, and the no-game-glumness etc -the whole construct. So I watched this new idea for a while -to see what would happen...
The whole game/glumness thing poofed and I found myself 'in the moment' watching the tiniest ant I have ever seen wandering across the bathroom floor...
I speak of My World. I only see my world and a representation of you in it. This is my truth.
...
I watched the "entertainment" construct for a while.
It does seem very basic and among the first thoughts that follow "I am". It can be watched but I quickly return to an unformed sea of awareness when doing so.
Thereafter it goes something like this:-
I am
Let there be Life
Let there be experience and...entertainment.
Experience and entertainment both need not-knowing I think. Or at least pretending not to know  - a bit like following game rules, one is pretending to self limit. Anyone can club the tennis opponent to death with the racket (it must be against the rules -hehe) but it defeats the object of the game - which possibly is experience - new experience. There is experiencing because of pretending not to know and having limitation and thus there is...entertainment. I should add this 'not-knowing' manifests as agents in the dream being given an ability to play out roles in the dream themselves. Trees grow, geese fly, ants ant, barren rocks on barren planets given time, 'people'. The dream creates itself like actors with license to ad lib might develop a play - but the play is still my world and ultimately can hold no surprises.
I do not mean to say this is the reason for it all - to experience and to entertain. I have read many  hypotheses for "Why Life?"including:"God got bored", "For Life(God) to experience Itself", "[...] and we [thus] pretend to be people , "each lifetime a lesson / return to Godhead". There are others.
All of these do not satisfy me and the only answer I have heard came from an enlightened man I met years before along the way .
Why Life? - Why is all this? - For what reason? - Why?
His answer, the rhetorical question : "Why Not?!"
I feel that is not the truth but the best signpost to the truth. The Answer to "Why?" of course is...blowing in the wind...it's deep and everywhere and not a thought.

Conclusion to the latest stuff (in May 2014)

Any self respecting really cool looking preposition wants to be at the end of a sentence these days so..
Where am I at?
I am either totally mad or a Pure Undefined Awareness. An Awareness that then decides to experience it's own dream world, then pretends not to have created it (to greater and lesser degrees) and power is somehow assigned to the dream so it appears to create itself ; and all this for the purpose of the new experiences themselves. The Awareness is the dreamer of my world yet I have found it can exist primordially without a thought or point of view and have no comment on the things that make up this world and just be a formless sea of awareness before declaring "I am" and even "beneath" being self-aware.

But there's more to it than that -I can feel it -something...bigger...Bigger ...much BIGGER.
I think it has to do with the primordial thing.
And something perhaps to do with love.
...and somehow that My World is actually The World.
Time to meditate again!!!

Can I imagine being all the players in a dream because if I can...?
22nd May
You see where this is going. I have had repeatedly arising thoughts,doubts about how come I seem to have a my body centred awareness and you have yours. I tried to get around this by noting that really we all see the same thing  -The Creation ,The matrix - and the different viewpoints are an illusion and all part of The Thing.
But clearly if I can dream a day dream and be all the players then my mind feels (!) that I can be The Total Pure Awareness and dream the whole world and all the people and their view also.
I had a go at all this.
So yes . No problem. I can be any type of person in a day dream -man woman , goat, bird -it's imagination perhaps but what else is a dream?
And I can be two people in a daydream at once! One of the ways I thought I was able to do this was that a thought is instant and takes actually no time to occur somehow...bang its there - combine this with the fact that a personality or the mind is one thought at a time with gaps between them -and hey presto -I can create and be multiple people in the day dream. I really got into this and was being two people chatting away and shaking hands and all sorts -it's a rush!
So I could be Total Awareness  -LOL .If I can be all the people in a day dream - I sort of got the idea of being all the people Everywhere. !! It was just another seductive-doubt-thought-construct going pop. But this is written blog style and so I should tell you I had a really wooooshing expansion with this. But behind the "wooosh" I felt that it was just the mind clearing out - the Pure Awareness, The Real Me seemed as ever , to look on and ...smile.

{So the above is language. I still feel there is only Pure Awareness - and the "I had a thought" stuff above avoids a weird  and confusing English that omits the subject - I - all the time.
One of the above paragraphs comes out like this...
"And there can be two people in a daydream. The thought arose that that this was possible was that a thought takes an instant [...] There we lots of examples occurring and fun was experienced ...." idk -maybe it needs practise.
But for now I will write from the personality, the mini me , when appropriate - just so long as you read it from your Big You, The Real You -or it will not make sense at all. There is the duality - I am a person in the world as well as Pure Awareness in ... Pure Awareness.}
So try it. Make a dream world and first be different characters and then have a go at being two people at once and then two people interacting and then everyone there! When I became the "God" of my dream world I found I could hear all the thoughts of all the people at once. And there were surprises - a little boy sitting on the (1930s) railway station luggage trolley had sat on a small nail!

Clearly the next step is to compare this to ..reality ..what is experienced. Can I be all the people in the world -can I hear their thoughts? I found the only reasons I could not were thoughts in the mind. And reasons are not really "reasons why"  - a reason is just a thought construct -a thing -something to look at. I did have an experience of this-  an experience that I have had before - I have never felt anything wasn't possible.
I suppose I have always held there is a potential to be Infinite. In fact if I consider my "space"/my "borders" there is an infinite feeling - I have no perimeter. But I had imagined I was a spiritual being and was bemused by the infinite feeling -after all infinite is...infinite. But after these recent years in Meditation I see that The Real Me is the Infinite Thing  rather than some sort of diminished or limited spiritual being that strives to perhaps recapture her Infinity. The whole spiritual being idea was spotted as a thought construct/ an idea in the Pure Awareness -that was a while ago and quite a shock! ... I am not saying I am not a reincarnating spiritual being - I feel I am -but I am saying that that is real as much and as little as all of reality is real. Everything - Everything is playing out within this quantum zero point field ,within the infinite potential of Infinite Awareness - and that Pure Awareness is something I have experienced and it is Me.

Forget about my world and experiences for the moment -what is your truth?


The "Everything Mind"
 
The "Everything Mind" experience/idea , which I will explain as we go along, came to me from trying to answer my initial question "What thoughts can I trust?" . I had been a little concerned with the quality of thought that had been occurring and wondered if there is a type of thought more trustworthy than another. The whole idea of the nature of thought and where thoughts come from is something that seemed to pop up ( this thought arose) as a question or line of research.
I am familiar with "Thoughts come from the "Thought-less [oneness-Brahman-God-]"
I messed about looking for answers with thinking for a while and then defaulted to Meditation like I should have done at the outset.
Then it all became very exciting -Here's what i got:-
a. I hopped into the Pure Awareness -  which is better described , perhaps, as "Awareness/Reality" -because there is no separation between the Awareness and the thinks observed. There is one thing ,the looking and the thing seen, the hearing and the thing heard,etc, the sensing and the thing sensed (percept). All is Awareness/Reality.
b. I've had the idea before that thoughts might be regarded as being in things, thoughts coming from the reality. A lion doesn't perhaps scare people so much as have terrifying thoughts within it.
c. The Awareness/Reality gives the clumsy wording "I am Everything". That's how it looks in Mediation.
So from a, b. and c. and this mediation that was thus looking at the idea of thoughts I began to see a world pregnant with thought! Objects seemed nine months pregnant with thought! Everything was almost desperate to give birth to a cascade of thought - yet all was silent. It was like looking at a crowd of gagged people that all were at the point of bursting to give their opinion.
Finally I relented and said to a painting on my wall "Okay -what you want to say?". It positively popped and said " I have a brown and gold patterned frame and show two girls on a beach and you find it sad to look at because it reminds you of time and your poor mother and it's all very sad sometimes to look at the painting" !
Logically: if the Real Me is the Awareness/Reality and I am Everything or in Everything I see, my mind might also be spread all over the world I see.  And this is what I was getting in the Meditation. Thoughts were coming off things, rather than , er ...starting in my head as a response to objects seen. Thoughts were from Everything.
Hence "The Everything Mind".  It is spread all over the world I am aware of, rather than being central or originating centrally -in my head.
Naturally I assume this Everything Mind is connected to the "Universal Mind". "Universal Mind" here refers to the thinking of Everyone, everyones Everything Mind. And using "mind" here in the context of this section -thoughts arising from objects. I can imagine an overlap with thoughts from things: the sadness or some emotion that seems innate in some innocent objects as if other people have emotions associated with them -the "atmosphere" in a room, psychic perception -it all ties in- non separation.
I don't want to create  "a new truth" ,or further complexity with this Everything Mind idea. It was just a way to sum up my experience in this meditation. The point is that thoughts arise from Everything , thoughts that spawn the definition of a "me", the mini-me or personality,identity,ego.
Yet to see thoughts occur in Everything disperses the idea of a mini-me and it is more easily seen by The Witness, and being the Witness, or me as the Witness , the Real Me, the Pure "Awareness/Reality" (new-ish term -see above in this section).
I suppose I am rewriting the beliefs systems, new thought-constructs in the personality's mind thus -for these ideas are shadows, a thought representation of the actual Meditation experience - these new beliefs create a mind that is more Self- realised , Real me-realised and we proceed towards "Enlightenment" (hooray).
It is "Enlightenment" not Enlightenment in my experience. The Pure Awareness or Awareness/Reality is always there, unchanging, doing or not doing its thing. No matter how cloudy the sky, how grey, the sun is always shining. The enlightenment is just getting ones thinking straight -in my humble opinion. I think a time will arise when someone has been on the Path or that enough happens for them that they feel they have reached a point where they can label themselves Enlightened - its probably just intuition. a knowing. People do get enlightened even though its technically an illusion -but then , so is this book ...yet the illusion is real.
Oh yes -I don't like the words "illusion" or "maya" so much. God went to all that trouble making the Creation and we come along and say its "just an illusion" -ouch -all those pretty flowers and trees and fluffy animals and fishes and pretty skies -"an illusion" - ouch. It's real and lovely; yet a (totally fabulous) construct.
One minute I am Everything  -the next I am talking about God- whats going on? Well, I seem to be both - Everything and the person.
...so that was my latest experience in meditation - the mind seems somewhat spread out in the world.
What did you find?

Fate, Destiny and Faith and The Internal Projection

Fate, destiny and faith all surrender the individual to a Higher Power. There seems to be a broad spectrum of Higher Powers that are on offer, ranging from “I don’t know” to “God”. All of them are in the mind as a belief and their truth seems unproven.

But I have my Meditation experience.

In Meditation as the identity falls silent, as thoughts calm down the oneness kicks in. The Awareness that I really am becomes more and more visible as pure and untarnished. The Awareness has no separation from things sensed so much so that one seems to be the other and all are a Real me – An Awareness/Reality. 

Objects formerly seen in the world as outside of me become like objects in my imagination, a dream. 

But I have recently reconsidered the word “dream” or “mind” in the common Zen Monk or spiritual quotes: “All is mind” , or “This is all a dream”. I have experienced the world being flat and playing out on my eyeballs! In Meditation the world can seems like a movie or a hologram. Walking around “being a person” the world can seem like a “Matrix”(from the film), something that feels like a reality with a fictional undertone or illusion and thus not really real and built with an inherent lie of some sort.

In meditation, the world seems also not to be my “creation”  - the word doesn’t fit because in English  “creation”  has an outside-of-me feel to it.

Not exactly an illusion, not my imagination, not a dream and not my creation. All the world yet inside of this Awareness/Reality Thingy.

Internal Projection.

Internal Projection seems to fit best so far as a description of what the world is. “Internal Projection” is my best label-of-convenience/English language label, for the world –at the moment –it may change later.

So where does this put fate, destiny and faith? Within for starters –Everything is within. If the mini-me is fated, predestined or should have faith the Higher Power surrendered to, is The Real Me.

From the Identity a common feeling people have is that the Universe is intelligent right down to the humble rocks and even for some in the “ether” in the empty spaces between things and also deep interstellar space itself –the Universe seems alive everywhere. From Meditation, from the oneness , it should do, no surprises here – because that “Intelligent Universe” is Me! And You. Us.

Clearly the Real Me is running the show –driving the bus and not the personality… well they both are each has a part – it’s symbiotic  - well not quite – it’s hard to explain and also….my truth.

What’s your truth – what’s your experience of all this in meditation?

I can trust the Real Me , the Pure Awareness, the awareness with all the world playing out as an internal projection. I can trust Me.

You see where this is going … When immersed in the identity I (mini-me) can believe in fate and destiny if I wish and feel safe and happy that “everything will be okay”. In the identity I can have faith in the Higher Power of a Real Me and have the same confidence that “All is as it should be” when things go badly pear shaped. (London slang –we say it originated from the poor balloon aviator who looked up and saw his balloon was, pear shaped – not good!).

I trust the Real Me –all is well and as it should be. Even though the person, the identity the mini-me judges that everything is going really, really, really badly!

This can be felt – and spiritual types often feel it. All is well. No worries.

One can relax then - when the emotions and thoughts comes to worry us. One can safely surrender. It’s good to know! And with surrender:  the oneness begins to dominate – the world starts to look less important –judgments of things held as “bad” fall away– worries fade - one feels the Intelligent Universe has a Plan and the Plan can be trusted – because the judgements, the worries, the identity, the world and the Plan all seems within a Real Me - and trauma is reduced - There is Peace.

To surrender and find Peace properly I think one must trust so completely that one is prepared to experience anything and even to die. Meditate on death.

For myself, thoughts arising, when they arise, of experiencing nasty stuff hold more fear and anxiety than those of death. For most, I think fear of death is the greatest.

Have we had enough Glimpses of the oneness to be happy to die?

Are we sure life goes on after death? Can the mind accept this with confidence?

Because an ego that is willing to experience anything or to die, suddenly isn’t really an “ego” anymore! People with absolute faith in a higher power can show this on their faces (though few, a few saints perhaps,  “keep the faith” 24/7). 

So meditate a lot! Get into the oneness. Surrender the identity to it – one thought at a time. Be willing to experience anything. Don’t be afraid of death. Keep the Faith! Because we can trust the Higher Power because the Higher Power is Ourselves. And any of these or other thoughts that are a problem –matters arising –just sit with them –watch them –meditate some more!

Everything was okay, is okay and will be okay. Better than that - Everything is always okay because the world is built on Love, because Everything is within Us, and We are Love. Thus there is Peace.

Yeah, groovy – so tempting to leave it there but… where is the “doing” step? The helping others bit? The Noble Compassion is nice –but what about the helping people with their heavy bags? Saving the world? Promoting a “Spiritual Awakening”?  Creating happier illusory people with their illusory suffering, in an illusory world maybe –but it feels like it should be done – It feels like part of the Plan, the Divine Plan, the return to Brahman, return to Godhead, “coming home”. I feel it is all part of the Big Idea I mentioned much earlier –“Let there be life”, maybe the end game. We want everyone to “come home”, have a lovely cup of tea and end their suffering.

“16:30 Paloma Porta shouts: Where’s Gabriel? We’ve run out of cucumber sandwiches!”

From here and next, I hope to revisit “creative thoughts” and why bother.

But let's see what happens!

Every thought is a belief - (which is both a thought and a belief!)  (17th July 2014)

I wrote something for SecondLife called "Ruthless with the mind" which describes my necessity to be just that. My mind was trying to kill me -I was very depressed.
Is that a thought? was my maxim -everything was ruthlessly watched....and watched also on the sort of premise that all thought is almost certainly complete rubbish.

Continuing the ruthless attitude then - Is every thought a belief? Or hiding a belief?
Sneaky thoughts?

Consider:-
"The cup is green"
Looks innocent, but what dark dark belief is hidden and lurking and ready to damn us to HELL ? LOL
Clearly this above thought has several premises to most people:
1. reality is real -there really is a green cup there.
2. I am not the cup (!)
3. The cup is over there and I am here. (distance)
4. And time - though not showing in this simple thought so much is ticking away in the background. -part of 1. reality is real, above.
5 It's separation - You are not Everything. You are not that! (cf I am that)

 And that's a lot of beliefs for one, tiny, day to day, normal thought!
"The cup is green" for most people is a broadcast from "Radio Separation".

I don't mean to imply Separation is bad. It's how the world turns. Let there be Life. But for trauma and suffering reduction the person should be aware of these beliefs packed into normal thinking. -The Quest For Peace.

The Pure Awareness is the "empty bucket" and what pops in is just stuff happening , whether in be mental activity or reality.
And even the simple "The cup is green" thought shows up as something that seeks to define a "me" ,to carve out a "me" from this vastness of Pure Awareness. It's not like it's even a "heavy" thought like "I have no self-confidence" or "I hate my life". It's just a green cup!

We are re-educating the mind. That is what I consider "Enlightenment" to be  - a Self (Real Me) - realised mind.

As I go along with my little life the Pure Awareness seems to , not so much contract into it, but focus upon it. My life feels like a game sometimes. But high concentration games like  -perhaps chess - absorb the attention completely - there is no room for error -it's no good deciding the chess game is unimportant because to play the "I am determined to win game" one cannot allow these thoughts, lest it weaken the concentration.... and what happens? - suddenly the cup is green!
Green cups being real are okay when you got the gas bill to pay, when focused on the game of life -but one can look back later in meditation and see the Real Reality of it all. Clearly any trauma or distress associated with the gas bill or green cups will hopefully poof along with the beliefs and labels.

Everything is ok.

One of the recent Awakened people I found on youtube , a housewife who doesn't really have time to ...make money at it(!) says that her message is probably that being a person is okay. Relax and just feel as you feel. Sounds good to me. Separation and the focus of The Pure Awareness into the identity, the person is okay. Even the trauma is okay I suppose. And I suppose all this is okay for the person if and only if one can pop out of it all, later on, in meditation.

Find out who you really are. But being a person and not-being -who-you really-are for a while is not so terrible -spiritually terrible. Everything is okay isn't it? And "everything" here includes not being happy and not being "Enlightened" -right?

Enlightenment -the Holy Grail, after all, kind of doesn't exist, like everything else kind of doesn't exist-it's all part of the Internal Projection.

Whatever the weather- the Sun is always shining. The "weather" is the good and bad and "the Sun" is you,the Real You.

 As for "The Game of Life"  - we already won it! The next time I lose a game of chess -I might ask myself "What did I lose?" !

February 2015 

 This book, such that it is is written blog-style. I can explain the gap since the last entry. I "triggered". In the middle of 2014 I got stressed, buttons were pushed and some sort of mental emotional mess kicked in.

Which is good -it's all good. Mainly because I had to focus. I mean FOCUS. Focus upon The Task. The Quest For peace.

In defence of my credibility -not that I require it - but so as not to negate the message (this blog/ book)  by downgrading it's author (me) - I, the mini-me had a deep, deep depression as my starting point and some I have consulted, talk of habits in the mind that may have to slowly wind down. It does feel like that. And I am older, with constant back pain and tinnitus -the ears whistle loudly all the time - it's annoying. The identity really must be left a long way behind , there is little joy there, no peace.

I have been meditating my brains out  -lol.

RE-FOCUSING - The Quest For Peace !

I decided to "default to" (when all-fails-always-turn-to) : Ramana Maharshi (1879-1950) the most most wonderful Indian Saint.

I would not presume to summarise His Message, especially as it was mostly silent and more especially as I feel only qualified to kneel before him.

For myself, for me, from what I have read of Him, in my experience, myself, in my and only my humblest opinion, what I get out His Teaching, the main thrust of It is :-

Find out who you really are!

Then look beyond the first thought "I am".

 

Study prerequisite

I developed a new term over the year -crossed I'd or cross eyed (lol).

I've said it before but thinking about all this stuff is almost hopeless from the viewpoint of the identity - better to view things from the I-am-Everything.

Better not to think at all and only experience. But this is the written word here and it falls upon me and you to make it useful. Me to write it well and you to use the words as signposts to what is going on and not to get lost in the thought construct ,the mental complexities and not to philosophise!

So mentally get the idea of Being Everything, being the One Thing and you will at least get what I am saying. Thereafter you might do your own experiential research in meditation (is there another way?).

 

 

This is my method, what I did, what I do...

Look at a flower!

Apparently the flower quote is Buddha quote.

Meanwhile:-

Find out who you really are!

 

I see the flower - then thoughts arise and I watch them.  Thoughts can be watched, any thought no matter how clever or germane or pertinent or significant, enticingly seductive or stridently paramount (!) can just be watched, witnessed.

My method is ; "Is that a thought?"

I start to notice that The Watcher seems to be something pure and untarnished by all these thoughts, many of which seem to define an "I" and  insist that is what The Watcher is!

After a period of time maybe a small window opens when the flower can be seen alone without thought taking away the attention.

I see the flower...more accurately, the flower is seen. There is awareness of the flower. Yet there seems to be no separation between the flower and the awareness. In fact it almost looks like the awareness starts in the flower, starts in the reality of the world and with no separation. Thus suddenly the world seems to be part of the awareness, an awareness/reality. The "world is my body" as some Gurus say. It's all a Bigger Me and the world is my dream, my hologram, a virtual world of My manufacture. Suddenly there is just One Thing and that Thing is the only "me" I can find. To see the flower is thus to see a part of the One Thing, which is the One Thing: it is almost like seeing the sand-battlements of a sand-castle - it's all the same sand.

Looking deeper I realise the "I am" is just a thought also. And yes it is the first thought. I look at what this thought is witnessed by or in (!) and see a kind of primordial awareness that I have called "The Background". It's probably Lao Tzu's "Tao" from the Tao Te Ching. "Universal Energy" perhaps- it is really nameless and cannot really be described too well in words. (The prosaic word or poetic often does a good job of it -to "send" us there, the words as signposts into the experience).

Looking from this "viewpoint" (words fail) of primordial awareness, it is especially clear that all mental activity is an add-on ,a construct and there is Peace (hooray!).

Clearly this has to be experienced, I describe an experience - which is not possible, I don't think ,as I have said before, because any experience (like eating a biscuit) cannot be written down very well.

 

Spoooky! - ie afterwards once this real reality of things is seen the mind might go NUTS hopping about all over the place trying to categorise, deduce and explain or perhaps throw up doubt. And there may be questions and there may be their answers(!) -but the method, watching thought: "Is that a thought?" is best continued after meditation also.

 

Understanding is the booby prize.

I heard this this other day:-

"You cannot swim out of the swimming pool!"

I don't like "cannot" but it is funny , and worth a mention - you cannot think yourself out of the mind - is that true? I don't care!  More thought - I don't "do" thought!

 

My advice is to focus, FOCUS on the Task -The Meditation. The Quest for Liberation. The Quest for Peace.

Find out who you really are!

Then look beyond the first thought "I am".

 

  (The latest -1st July 2015)

Three things  I thought of this year (since the last entry May 2014) that were noteworthy and not just more-of-the-same were as follows:-

The best kept secret of meditation

(The first thing... )

We see the false in thoughts and they poof! It's a kind of magic and perhaps I have understated this phenomenon in the blog. The thoughts poof when met or greeted or viewed , as a kind of magic and this may be the best kept and least published secret of meditation!

I've said this before - but suddenly it seems to want to be emphasised!

"I am not enlightened"

(..and the second thing...)

The thoughts like " I am not enlightened because..." all just fall into the seductive thoughts category and also the thoughts-about-meditation category.
All thoughts get watched.
Thoughts can be watched especially when one is speaking to others -you might watch yourself saying "I don't consider myself to be properly enlightened because I get too stressed (whatever)". There's an expression "Hung by the tongue" which prefers to the ..er..dangers of speaking "negatively".
Watch out for that type of thing, those types of thoughts whether held silently or spoken.
You might note that to hold a thought "I am not enlightened" might promote the obvious mental dialogue as to whether this is a self manifesting truth  -but better to note - its just a thought that has more thoughts coming after it -blah blah blah.
The Sun is always shining.
The sky is always the sky no matter what its content.

Faith -faith in ...er...myself

(This is the 3rd thing this year:-)

I have seen the Glory, had a Glimpse of Pure Awareness or that-which-cannot-be-defined. So my focus tends to flip back and forth between the gas bill and the oneness of everything ie from the person playing in the Internal Projection to the whole Internal Projection. 

When being an ego or spiritual being or something self defined that is separate from everything, the thoughts arising can be annoying or distressing and suffering can follow. 

I found it an interesting approach to have Faith -Faith that The One Thing that is driving the bus may drive me of a cliff and it all could look very very nasty but that this, despite my most desperate judgements, is all for the best.
It's all good.

But of course who or what is this sort of God or Jesus I am trusting - well that would be Me ! Right?. The Real Me...The Big Cheese....The Buddha Nature (I've been saying this, while chatting with people of late  -The Buddha Nature as I assume that's what "it is").

So if you're being a suffering person have Faith in the Big You -the Expanded Self -The Whatever You Wanna Call It.
Faith that it's all okay.

This may ease the tension and I suppose the only real reason for doing that is to enable the meditation practise to continue more smoothly.

The Big Lie. The Big Secret 

9th July 2015

I want to approach this from a long way off so as to recap and also to update what has been written (2011,12,13,14)  to polish the ideas into my latest experiences, the 2015 stuff.

Let's firstly consider the creation of a personality.
Spirit is the law and that's the only law there is -this I have said many times.
The Law it lays down is in the form of creating things by individuals and indeed The Creation - all the world.

Once upon a time someone said "Let there be light", "and circles and squares and spheres and cubes" and after a lot of messing around "bunny rabbits and trees and chocolate" -yum. Oh and "people".
And the people joined in creating stuff some of it they thought good and some they didn't.
And lo! There was a luvelly yellow sun in a luvelly blue sky and shiny women driving shiny Aston-Martins .....and lots of chocolate -yummmm. Hooray!
The act of creation , creating stuff is to have the will or intention to do it.
You see where this is going. The person has self-defining thoughts and lo! The person eventually manifests an identity or ego and can say such things as "My whole life I could never get a grip on sudden spats of jealousy".

This is all very neat but omits an important point. There is only One Thing creating anything - only The One Thing is driving the bus. Which throws a spanner(wrench) into the thinking and as you will see or perhaps have experienced  - probably prevents any exacting accurate description of the truth.
To follow from here as I've said before one must try to shoe-horn ones point of view into that of The One Thing and not, not look from the person's viewpoint.

Let's consider the dream analogy again with regard to creation of a personality or ego or mini-me:-

---You  imagine a dream scenario --- you're walking through a meadow with ...whatever...blue sky,buttercups and a church in the distance. You have a smile on your face as you bask in nature's bounty and ponder that your life so far has been good. --- 

Clearly the question "What are you?" has a very difficult answer. You are the whole dream but also you are the happy person that walks along. You are the Dreamer and every other definition of yourself is only a creation, BUT the creation, the person you are is real as real can be -it has a "truth" to it also! Both things are true - and the mind is left floundering.
So self-definitions are there, we say and think them all the time. "I am a mother" , a brother, a fairly good tennis player, useless at raising children, excellent with children etc etc. Anyone will tell you these things are "true".
And they are only sort of true  - because really they are only a fabrication, a creation in a Bigger Me And You.

 

 

Introducing The Big Lie -ta daa

 

It's all very Zen. The words don't fit exactly. , I am a person and I am the whole dream,everything, both things are true - yet how can they both be true? One has to be false ? Normally the Gurus will tell you that the thoughts, the self defining thoughts are false or they may say there is false in them -something like that. But that isn't exactingly true is it? - the self definitions people have are there in your face, your mother, your bother , the man at the bus stop...or  your friends might be reincarnating spiritual beings with past lives and so on.
 And worse -there is you and me - we are here- it's true! As someone said to me last year when I foolishly declared his self-definitions/self-defining thoughts, false-- "Hello? I am here?"!

So the lie here doesn't hinge upon "the truth is - all self-defining thoughts are really false".
The lie comes from that one has been fooled by the common sense of the modern world where rational thought can describe anything and is the last word(!) in deduction, logic, explanation, definition and making sense of anything generally.
The  lie is that thoughts and the spoken word can define what is really going on - when it's my experience that thoughts and words cannot.

The Big Lie is that  reasoning, logic, thinking hold a monopoly on knowledge!!! "If it exists it can be  defined by thought". That's the Big Lie.

Beware of nineteenth century science gone mad. "For every effect there must be a cause","For a thought to occur -someone must think it","Opposites cannot both be true". "If it cannot be described-it doesn't exist". "The past is what did happen and the future is what will happen".These are the vague mutterings of the human animal -science can't have it both ways by it's own creed I could ask- how can a human animal presume to have the ability to know that all knowledge is able to be defined by human thinking? The Gods would just laugh at it all and so did The Buddha!!! To be fair to science - salvation for the masses is at hand and it's probably not meditation at all -it's probably going to be advances in quantum physics! The West finds The East.

And:-
Introducing the Big Secret -ta daaaaaaa

I am here to alert you to the what I am calling The Big Secret :-

The Big Secret is there is knowledge outside of thinking, when there are no thoughts,  there is a Knowledge that far excels, exceeds, outstrips,and surpasses mere thinking. And it is a Knowledge freely available to you and only requires that you look for it... and that you don't bother to think about it!....Ask The Buddha -he Knew -right?

 
So next time you have a greater or lesser epiphany, or an experience of clarity in meditation or some confusion reading Buddhist Scripture (what the Buddha said) or puzzlement with a Guru's book and your mind goes "Wibble,wibble woo -Boing" simply defer to The Big Secret above, and there will be Understanding (capital U).

You may find yourself saying things like:
"I understand time -but when I try to think about it or explain it - I don't !"

 

I seem to recall these are the sentiments of a Zen Monk and probably not verbatim, relayed from my dodgy memory of an account I heard on Youtube by Alan Watts(1915-1973).
But to pick the above sentence apart the first "I" is not the same as the second and third -the first "I" is the Big Me, the One Thing that requires no thinking to Understand, and the last two "I"s  are the mini me-the ego-the personality that thinks it has to think to understand.


So to understand life be sure to be driving or operating heavy machinery -that way you won't dare think about it! LOL
Alternatively, you could meditate!

The Big Problem

("Very interesting Paloma -but what a load of old Tosh!!")

It's not your fault.
It's how we are groomed to think at the very core of western society. Alan Watts (1915-1973) describes the state of affairs in the West very, very nicely in his books and lectures. Free pdfs-some of his books and many, many youtube videos are there on the www for your own research.
He describes the "myth" of science, 19th Century science that took the Christian model  -God made us and the world -  and removed God to leave an overwhelmingly vast, unintelligent, random-event type Universe that has us poor little frightened human creatures peeping out, looking at it.
They don't think like this at alllllll in Hindu and oriental cultures -nothing like.
So our thoughts arising come from Society everywhere and Mummy and Daddy and Auntie Flo'. " You are in the world, a world that is not you, and the most important game is bodily survival after that it's being happy, making money and so on -there is some room to vary here , but vary too far and you will be seen as crazy and probably are crazy. "
There's a lot of things we don't know- but everyone West of India knows one thing -and that is that "there is the world and we are separate from it -there's no question of being one with it or any pink and fluffy new age rubbish like that!"

It's not your fault.
That's why I called this book/blog "Arrogance Is Bliss" , because one finds oneself being called crazy and mad a lot when you start talking about this -about the real reality -about what is. But it manifests in thoughts arising as ,  "am I nuts?" and also as doubt " this can't be right can it?"

To recap my experience - no wonder I doubted it later !

 
For myself I sat down in 2011 , with a "God-given" spark ,touched by Grace, to find out why the hell I was so desperately and chronically depressed and to discover what really is going on  -The Meaning of Life the Universe and Everything. Questions entered my little head and I meditated . Starting from the beginning  -what do I see? , what do I know?, what am I?. After 15 minutes I saw the light!  I saw the self-definitions were just ghosts, just thoughts and there was no "me" to be found anywhere :  within the heavily guarded  inner, inner sanctum of the Temple, the curtain that hid the real me was thrown back - and  - nothing was there! There was just Awareness itself -the looking,the hearing, the observing, the watching. And then! Then I examined this Awareness further and noticed there was no separation between the Awareness and reality, the world - the world was just an image playing out in my ...er... consciousness. I later found the best description of the world was an "Internal Projection". In fact the Awareness seemed to depend on the things seen for it's existence as if it's only tangible substance was the Internal Projection that was going on. So I started calling "It" or the "me-that-isn't-a-me", the Awareness/Reality. The A/R only became a me when I held what Ramana Maharshi and I (!) call the First Thought , "I am".  Before the "I am" thought the A/R is sort of primal and not self-aware. Before all this I had defined myself, as a reincarnating spiritual being in a 3 dimensional world -so this experience was quite a shock! Suddenly "I" which didn't really qualify as a "me" was Everything.
Then the doubts kicked in , the thoughts arising, and having lived on the wild and crazy side of spirituality before  - I employed an old strategy - a kind of Arrogance, a kind of stubborn integrity - the whole world can disagree -but this is my truth!
The doubts never really stopped coming. They still do. I can watch them and they vanish - but they kick up again after anything from 10 minutes to a week. Typing this  -there is no doubt -just the laughing chuckle of oneness. Next week? I don't know.
I can watch the doubt. I can watch the desire to not have doubt. More accurately - doubts can be met, desire to fix doubts can be watched, judgements about doubts being undesirable etc etc can be greeted - they vanish....for a while.
It's stress, maybe , there is stress in my life.
But the depression -decades of it -not ever suicidal -but a lot of it was utter, utter despair -this has lifted -it's a puppy compared to Winston Churchill's "black dog". So that's pretty good eh? Not bad for 3+  years of meditation! You probably will be blissed out of your head if you follow what I did!!
But in Society , with every interaction at all with Western people, there are a lot of "the world is outside of me" thoughts - no kidding!!! (USA:- "No shit Sherlock!!!"). It's a kind of pressure ....."you're wrong....you're wrong....you're wrong....". I have a sphere of friends that try to follow my poor explanations but they are ...with me. Yet I have found expert Buddhists that  clearly don't agree with me , I mean they disagree -.  -it's a kind of pressure. But Buddhism and Zen Buddhism from my view as a confirmed non-scholar seems to constantly surprise and delight with the people and texts that thoroughly agree!  :)
I never saw or met a Guru or enlightened person. I listened to LOT of them a LOT on youtube. Everything is within. "Why gan ye abroad?" as an early Quaker said.

Though I have put my own spin on it, isn't this, all my endless typing, what the Buddha said?

As Alan Watts also points out - the logic practical approach will always win the argument because , it is an argument for these people, not an experience. They can't swim out of the swimming pool!

 

The Big Problem

I think this is the Big Problem you might find with all this :- The pressure of Western thinking as found in every day-to-day interaction.

"Hello  -how are you?"
"There is no me"
"Pardon?"
"Oh nothing...I am fine ...bit of a toothache"
"You should get that fixed  -my sister's friend's mother's friend had a toothache and she neglected it and it infected her jaw  -now she has a bone disease and is in a wheelchair"
[muttering] "Lovely, fucking lovely".
etc

If doubts arise one can have Faith. Faith in what the Buddha said, Faith that there is a Plan and the Plan is Good and the Plan may arrive in our world as something that really looks awful, but this is only a judgement and really everything is okay -better than ok -it's a wonderful miracle -all of it!
But most of all one must have Faith in Oneself - Abiding Faith in the real deep down You and Me that sees what it sees and sees what really is - Faith in that Experience.

If you've read this far you will know that it doesn't matter too much if we are enlightened or not - we know the truth -we have broken out of the Buddhist "Ignorance". We know that "Enlightenment" doesn't really exist -the Sun is always shining, The Dreamer is always The Dreamer and only pretends to be a player in The Dream. I have a feeling as I have said before that returning to Oneness is inevitable, in my world there is only so much human or sentient-being suffering I want  people to mess around with, and then after regrouping as One, it sort of all starts over again -in which case -just enjoy the ride! There's time -plenty of time.

Meanwhile -keep watching, keep observing, keep witnessing!

 

Spontaneous Creation -Allowing

Rough draft -but have a look!

I am a bit typed-out. So a quick note to me to add something further as to where thoughts come from. Where our decisions come from.

I saw Katie Byron in a video talking to a man with depression. He couldn't get out of bed one day. Not for ages. Then he just got up. She asked him to ponder how this happened -where did the idea to finally arise come from -naturally he could find no source of the thought-it just popped into his head. It was spontaneous.
We are not driving the bus - is a popular spiritual maxim [?] perhaps but it has flaws. One is not the passenger, not the self-definitions,not what we think -the Real Us IS driving.
And the way this happens is manifested by spontaneous and mysterious notions to do stuff. I just made a cup of coffee...why?  I don't know -I found myself boiling the kettle and now I have one. This is the Oneness coming through us. Thoughts all come from the thought-less as some Guru said. [I forget who].
You can let the ideas pop into your head and have a look for yourself -where did that come from? Some of these are decisions and life changing decisions too -where do they come from?
From You -that's God that is! From The Real You.
So what we do is sort of fated perhaps -our decisions are not really our own BUT (BUT) we are not this fated ego are we? We really are The Big Cheese. Le Grand Fromage.
It spontaneous. 

What can the ego do? It can allow . Allow. Allow the groovy stuff to come through! Barry Long [1926-2003] the Australian said we should "stay out of it". Alan Watts wrote a book called "In My Own Way"... presumably a pun (I did it in my own way and I got in my own way)...which I have not read but I assume has the same theme... So to stay out of it and get out of the way the person somehow must be receptive and allow, Allow. 

I don't think there is a method - just ... allow !

I have not read the Alan Watts[1915-1973] book above, even though he has been my principle Guru for a few years now, because I can't find a free version...If I bought every book I wanted to read I would be broke - besides I have lot of unread books, ebooks mostly ...maybe it's The Guiding- see below.

 

The Guiding........... lol

I suppose that's the big illusion -we think we decide - when really what thinks isn't us and doesn't decide anything!
So we are not so much living on tram lines or pre-destined or fated (booo) but guided (hooray).

BUT  NO... not really !!!

NO, no, no...It's not that simple LOL
We dooooo decide - and the reason we do is because of the "Zen Paradox". You exist don't you!!!

I could be the all-knowing Super Guru and wear moody Asian attire, speak softly among the flowers, tinkling wind chimes and burning incense, before framed pictures of Papaji and Ramana Maharshi and change my name to Swami Barmy if I wanted to, and look at you over my nose and ...and...downgrade you to a fated illusory ego that doesn't exist (at my higher level of awareness-lol) - but so what - you're still here  -right?

Both things are true! You don't decide what you do, and the opposite, you do decide what you do, are both true!
Not surprisingly it won't think through -don't bother trying.
You have to "grok" it.
But if you tune-out of the person,the ego, the player and  tune-in to the first one, The Oneness that's driving the bus -it gets very , very groovy!


(Repeated)  You don't decide what you do, and the opposite, you do decide what you do, are both true!
By way of some sort of explanation:-

 

.:  We are made in God's image -we can create.

.:  You Dream a world, you put players(people) in your Dream-World. You insert yourself into your world as a player -clearly "you" are both The Dreamer and a player ...and do note, you are also all the other people, the "other people"... which now that you are being a player is hard to imagine -but go back to the start of this paragraph - when you started making the Dream-World it was obvious!

.:  The Sky is the Sky. Clouds drift from The West to The East (!). They are all different. They pause to rain and to make rainbows and wander left and right. Sooner or later when they get far to The East they start to merge with each other and then dissolve into the Sky itself. That's where they are heading.

.:  In your mind's eye is an image of reality. More than an image, we can hear it,touch it, smell it and taste the chocolate-yum. It could be like the "Virtual Reality Helmets" they will have in maybe 100 years. The difference though is that in the image we can also see thoughts that are occurring, thoughts that are not thought by the awareness of the Image -the whole scenario just includes thoughts within the Image that are simply witnessed like everything else that happens. Thus the reality we sense can be regarded as just an image, with thoughts about the image within it, back pain and chocolate included. Suddenly the Image is very personal - it's only our image! And the separate reality we normally see becomes possible only by labelling things in the Image as outside of us in a real separate world..out-there. It flip flops back and forth from just an image, a movie, a self generated hologram to a real world outside of us. 

 

Flip. Flop.Flip. Flop. 

 

When it flips we are the whole Image -we are everything and all is Us.

 

When it flops we are a person in a real solid three dimensional world with a gas bill, pills for back pain and have many thoughts about it all - one of them is  an urgent desire for a walk to the shops to buy chocolate. 

 

When it flips back again the Image just plays out - the Awareness of the Image isn't itself thinking but it can observe thoughts occurring in the Image, in the Image there is something that is labelled a human body and a central character or "person" where the image is based and the thoughts seem almost entirely to do with defining these things as really real, an actual person plus human body in a 3d world and worrying about it all (lol -crazy but true -hehe) -but even though the Awareness of the Image isn't thinking the Image does have a direction -things are ...becoming. 

 

When it flops again, the person in the 3d reality, with the separate-world-outside-of-myself thoughts, a belief system, rushes around worrying as we said , desires another trip for even more chocolate and makes all sorts of decisions. Skillfully or less skillfully the person decides what to do and thus crafts a life as best they can towards desires and goals.

 

It flips back to the Awareness/Image again and with regard to decisions, thoughts arising for the "person",(the bunch of thoughts that endlessly insist a separate person is there) : some are really  just spontaneous movement in the Image without a concurrent decision-thought and when decision-thoughts do occur ; some of the time they come fractionally after what is obviously going to happen anyway , what is becoming and at other times they are way off and have no bearing on what happens!

 

It flops back yet again but we now know about flipping(!)and clearly is is "better" for the "person" to have the thought that the whole person concept is not actually true,to live in truth and really see what is, but either way the whole thing is just an Image (the flip side)playing out - becoming as it may. It's time to grok! It's time to meditate!

 

 

None of the above are properly accurate -they all miss...what is...by a little bit.
You do have to "grok" it.
Have a look for yourself -what is your truth?

(worth repeating) But if you tune-in to The Oneness that's driving the bus -it gets very , very groovy!

Not seeing and Understanding (capital U) 

30th July 2015

To see The truth, I have said, one can simply look.
But like all things one tries to describe, the words fail. This has been observed in Zen for centuries.
If we return to the Dream analogy. One dreams a world and dreams further that one is a player in it.
Does the player actually see? Yes - she sees the trees, birds,grass and church you have made and No: the player is a creation and so also within that, the player's seeing is only a creation, the player does not see - so Yes and No. Both are true. Both are false. Clearly some reasoning or analysis has gone wrong...
It's what's sometimes called the Zen paradox and can be explained away in this fashion - it cannot be understood, one has to "grok" it - I have said this to people.
But for me it's not really a paradox proper - because a paradox as far as I know needs language to exist. It's the language that has become twisted and confused. Are the trees confused? Is a duck confused? And once we decline to translate every little thing into thought -are we confused?...no,No,NO! All is cool and froody. All can be Understood (capital U) - the Understanding that arises that is not a thought!

 

The Keys - to the bottom line, the Zen basic fundamental

Before I get to the Keys kindly consider:-
When thoughts arise they might:-
1. "seek to define" what we are,
2. "attempt to define" what we see, hear, touch...define our sensory perception,
3. include the automatic function of object recognition which includes or maybe spawns a lot of separation from it.
I wrote earlier about the implied ideas that lurk like DEMONS is such DANGEROUS  sentences as : "The cup is green"
ie- the cup is not me (separation), the cup is real (reality physically exists in a Newtonian way), the cup is over there and  I am here (distance), and possibly some hint that time might be relevant and true - certainly there are plenty of time thoughts (time exists as past , present and future).
4. (When thoughts arise they might:) seduce us into a thought process or train of thought -especially during meditation. "Does this mean I am God- if so is everyone else as well and if so ..." etc etc... or worry!
(4) I remember one time meditating - I  woke up with a start from a thought-train, I had been lost in thought for a whole hour!!!

So putting all these thoughts to one side - hooray !!  -let's look again!
An interesting question is:
What is understood that is not a thought?
or
What is known that is not a thought?

It's the ultimate thought to escape thinking perhaps? The ultimate cheat (pc games: "cheat").
The best game cheat to swim out of the swimming pool ! ... "press   \ * ^ < /  to stop swimming and get out of the pool !!!"

The game cheat to think ones way out of thinking.
What is known that is not a thought?

 

The Keys

Here are the keys,  that make up the bottom line, the Zen basic basic fundamental. They are keys quite radically opposed to common sense.

.The First Key (1 of 2)
Thoughts won't give you or anyone else Truth.

So use rational thought for day to day stuff - to stop oneself stepping in front of oncoming vehicles, finding lost socks and ensuring to look busy when the boss is around.
But for meditation - when thoughts arise - they are not needed for Truth -no matter how groovy they seem.

.The Second Key (2 of 2)
I say again:-
 What is known that is not a thought?

Every Sutra, every scripture, every religious text, anything to do with awakening or enlightenment and especially all things Zen should have these words emblazoned on the cover and heading every page:-
"THINK ABOUT THIS AND IT WILL NOT BE UNDERSTOOD"



PC Gaming !   Real Life Gaming!
In a way there's nothing not understood about Life The Universe And Everything!
But your thoughts cannot explain-they can never explain or describe The Truth.

Pc Gaming...

 

I was using pc gaming ideas earlier ... Anything in-game, cannot see outside the game unless the rules are changed. In Second Life the virtual world where I live (lol) - we have our little avatars running around dancing and meditating and so forth. How can one of those pixelated chaps see the pc hardware servers etc that run it all in California or see any of the "real life" people typing away or moving the avatars with a computer mouse? They cannot. 

 

Real Life Gaming...

 

Thoughts are in-game.

Thoughts are things ,they are part of the reality. Thoughts are in-game - just watch thoughts like you watch anything else. There's nothing outside-of-game that can be known in a thought. Thoughts can tell you what the Truth is NOT - ie not this in-game stuff. But thoughts can, however, signpost out-of-game Truth "Like a finger pointing at the Moon".

The next time you find thoughts arising in the Real Life Game that ponder upon the truth - imagine taking any pc game avatar and desperately and earnestly looking with it for your friend's real life avatar - the one typing in their pyjamas, in Las Vegas or Berlin. In both instances: the pc gaming madness I described or seeking Truth in thought, you can run around for ever in obvious futility -it's a choice.

Zen Masters love to answer that they don't know.  It serves you right for asking the Master when all the answers are Within, a fact that he or she has probably exhausted herself trying to explain to you personally and in his/her endless publications for the several years before! How can the thought producing -aspect of the Master know? -it cannot. That's why  the Master's answer might also be a blank stare and silence or something like "Flowers bloom big and small" to try and snap you out of the redundant thought angst. Your best strategy with a Master is , as I've said before, to ask nothing and just sit nearby receptive to some sort of telepathic communication of The Experience (it does happen)... one (old) woman recently recalled that when sitting in silence (!) with Ramana Maharshi [1879-1950] she could feel questions arising and being answered.


To step out of Real Life Gaming
What is known that is not a thought?
After...the above meditation or contemplation or looking...sitting ...whatever...be sure to decline any thoughts that seek to explain it to you - that's just the game play!
The Real Life Game has become a bit of a habit!  Thoughts will arise especially as the habitual focus has been upon them for Truth. Meet them and sit with them as per the Methods of meditation I have described or those offered by others. There may also be emotions -just sit with them all. Eventually they poof -it's a kinda magic.
Then look ...Elsewhere!
During the "sitting" occasionally the question can be  asked "What am I?"-or just take it all in.
You don't have to sit - your avatar (!) can be doing anything, walking, bicycling, cleaning, ironing, car washing etc etc so long as there is ..."sitting"!  You won't walk, cycle, clean, iron or wash the car very well or efficiently - but the focus is to enable the sitting. 

 

19th July 2015

I don't know what else to add. I typed a few more lengthy things but when I reviewed them they were just repetition.

There was this from the13th July:-

13th July
My depression went "POP" - hooray !!!

After listening  Gangaji on youtube for about 8 hours straight:
Mind Wars
Ganjaji introduced me to some "mechanisms" of The Mystery that I had not fully grasped.
1. What I am , pure awareness that, yes , is always present, can always be seen simply by asking "What is aware of that"? ...with regards to some peculiar mental issue especially of the type   "I had an Awakening but now cannot get back to it so easily".
2. The mind wars occur when something she calls the "super-ego", with it's God-like authority often pulls rank, to condemn and criticise the mistakes of the ego. Ie "I should not think that".
3. Say "Yes!" to the ego so as to instantly stop a mind war.

now (19th July) I can add this:-

4. It's the resistance to what is that causes problems, suffering and separation.

I have sort of said this all before -though labelling the judgemental superior thoughts as a "super-ego", for the want of a better name, is handy. The "super-ego" offers resistance to thoughts that have gone before. Apparently it's a survival computation gone bad -by resisting a bad though process the mind hopes to fix it -epic fail -as this just solidifies the whole thing.

eg 

ego "I hate him", super-ego"I shouldn't!"

from step #3 above Gangaji proposes we just offer no super-ego resistance and let the thought play out -then a kind of magic evaporates the whole thing and it poofs. One is not trying to poof -one is just meeting the thought.

eg "I hate him" "okay yes Yes YES HATE HATE HATE" .. gulp ..laugh..Poof!

..........

 

"Why go anywhere? Just realise that you are dreaming a dream you call the world, and stop looking for ways out.
"The dream is not your problem [the problem*]. Your problem is that you like one part of the dream and not another. When you have seen the dream as a dream you have done all that needs to be done."           Nisargadatta (probably)   *this is how I read it based on the dialogue that goes before. And I cannot tell you from which work/book it is taken -it's just a free pdf from a casually constructed website - sorry.
 

"So-called self-realisation is the discovery for yourself and by yourself that there is no self to discover. That will be a very shocking thing, I tell you. It's not going to be an easy thing. It's not going to be handed over to you on a gold platter. You have to become completely disillusioned then the truth begins to express itself in its own way. It is useless to try to discover the truth. The search for truth is absurd.

You cannot communicate what you cannot experience.I don't want to use those words because inexpressible and incommunicable imply that there is something which cannot be communicated, which cannot be expressed. There is an assumption that there is something there which cannot be expressed, which cannot be communicated. There is nothing there. I don't want to say there is nothing there because you will catch me; you will call it emptiness, void and all that sort of thing. I can only put it this way—whatever is there cannot be experienced. Whether there is anything there I don't know. I have no way of knowing it at all."  U.G. Krishnamurti (Book:-The Natural State)

U.G. is talking about the "That" in I am That. One can find It in ones very awareness. There is "the looking" but after examination "the looking" is all there is ! All objects seen have no separation and everything then is suddenly the looking. Everything is the Awareness. Thus sentences that would have been "I walk to the shops" suddenly become "I....er....I....um....I...oh!". Then what happens is the "I am" thought poofs and one is left adrift as the subject of a sentence that cannot proceed. One is in the strange position of not even being able to see oneself...The Self is self and trying to see It is like Alan Watts says - trying to bite your own teeth. I can maybe get the sense that the Awareness is very much alive and definitely has a large say in what is going on -but beyond that it's like trying to see my own eyeball.

You will note the Awareness is Pure with no add-ons - no worries as the Australians say. Ever present and eternal and thus can always be found as the thing observing absolutely anything especially any and all, every and all, thought computations no matter how deceptively clever or brilliantly doubting, gorgeously seductive, absolutely true, empirically verifiable, clear-cut common sense, bloody obvious, whatever. Pure Awareness just has all this stuff happening within it and all this stuff is Itself masquerading as different things or thoughts.

Pure Awareness loves to consume thoughts like "I had an Awakening but now I have lost it" LOL. This translates as "I will always and forever be what I am -- - but I now I am not" !!!!

1. Confused? Un-enlightened? Un-awake? Doubting? Upset? etc etc
2. Notice what is watching. The Watcher - that's what you are!

3. Everything occurring is us. We start to find ourselves, The Self everywhere we look , we cannot see a separation between The Awareness and stuff labelled by thoughts as "outside of ourselves". Even "automatic basic recognition software" starts to break down, as concepts such as colour, shape, distance and time dissolve with the thoughts or habits or whatever that create them. The Self in everything, The Self is Everything, but beyond that it's just like trying to look inside our skulls!  When we look "outside" or look "out", we are just looking at the illusion, an Internal Projection and to label It at all thus is a bit of a crime -It is sacred, It is holy, It is Divine and It is a miracle It or Anything occurred in the first place.

4. If you see It, Yourself, The Big Me, The PureAwareness/Reality, The Self, The This, The That, The Be-Here-Now, The Tao, The Divinity, The Buddha Nature, The Universal Energy, The Field, Consciousness, The Godhead, God, Suchness, Reality, The Word or Other Name in an esoteric field or funny foreign language...if you see It - do as all the Gurus and Masters say or said: Honour It. 
And out of respect for all the Buddhas, Jesus, All the Prophets, Saints, Zen Masters, Masters, Gurus and the blessed Alan Watts that went before and lived and died only to keep this alive and deliver us from evil - talk about It all you want but in your heart, please, pretty please, pretty please with two cherries on the top -  Don't give It a name!

 
 

 

          NEW STUFF ADDED HERE !!!

THESE "ENDINGS" JUST SEEM LIKE AN UNLIKELY EVENT THESE DAYS

THE BOOK IS NOT A BOOK - IT'S A BLOG !!

 ...

The end of the blog/book beckons!

I have never burst into tears with it all. Or really felt Bliss. But I have felt happy and stared at trees that I have "seen" a hundred times and wonder how I could have missed all the wondrous detail of them! It is a wonder. It really is.

For the enlightened folk their identity seems to have dissolved. Yet they teach. For myself I feel the need to play my small part towards a Universal Spiritual Awakening and as such hold a compassion for the sufferings of the people in the dream! 

I cannot find a "me" that is a person. Greetings like "How are you?" I find difficult to answer because I can only see thoughts arising out of The One Thing.

But I have found a lot of Peace. 

I feel enough is enough with this blog/book! My plan is to keep meditating yet to do so almost presupposes that there is something to personally attain -when there is not - creating a problem, pretending to be a suffering person, then meditating very hard to overcome!!! But I have my compassion for others which drives me to do...something.

  

What is your truth? Your experience?

 

Love,

Paloma Porta

9th February 2015

 The Book: Arrogance is Bliss - Conclusion written  17th January 2014

I have proposed a methodology to find Peace. I can be honest and say it has helped me find some Peace from the whirring of the mind but I would not classify myself as "enlightened". What is it that becomes enlightened? There's no person there to be enlightened or unenlightened that I can find! Enlightenment seems just to be a lack of thought processes -the quietening of the mind -in which case a duck is enlightened. In my world environmental pressures (financial and work related) remain quite high in my life and this does impact a "me" from time to time; questions arise still as do worries and mental stress. It is winter and I am cold  -oh to be like a monk or Guru where all bills (especially heating bills) are paid! But deep within I can wonder at the falseness of  any stress or any worries that occasionally manifest -I know they are an illusion. In fact I know they come from Everything in my world and not from a "me" that appears sometimes to be separate. Certainly I would say I am not depressed and the utter despair that was experienced a few years ago when I started has gone. I have found a large piece of The Peace and the Peace was there all the time!

I am becoming less and less interested in meditation and more amused than upset by the silliness in the thoughts and emotions that pop up; being the whole movie ,being the whole dream, being the whole experiencing does make the central character's concerns seem a little  - comical.

There is awareness and the awareness sits not in Paloma Porta or the 'real life' me - the awareness is somehow distributed in everything perceived. I am my world. I am my dream. I am the experience -there is only the experience.
Thoughts arise, emotions arise, questions and their answers arise -all of them happen - but none of them really mean anything except to show -There is Life.

From there -I have experienced that this, shall we call it, "Undefined Awareness" seems to be what people call God or Brahman. But I cannot speak for God(!) -but I feel a connection, a joining, the oneness. Which is very nice!

During the book - a report on my meditations - I dabbled a little in other things that became my experience. I discussed the seat of creation itself -where a creative thought or any thought or emotion comes from. I decided it was from the One Thing because there is only One Thing. I cannot say now whether this be true or false as even truth itself seems not-stateable.  Indeed I have constantly complained  that I feel unable to write or say the truth - maybe it can be done - perhaps it has been done in poetry or scripture -I do not know. My words seem only to signpost or point where the truth might be found.

 

But from my experience of moving among spiritual people the first step seems to be finding out who we are and so I will finish with that:-

My method is not really my method. it has been stated before by many others. But I think these three keys steps are sort of new.
1. Look around and watch all thought and emotions. Including questions , their answers, all beliefs, all worries, trauma, all mental labels placed on objects and events, and everything that occur mentally.
2. For thoughts that seem important or confusing or that carry you off; ask "Is that a thought?" The implication being that it is only a thought and not to be taken seriously. Regard thought as merely something else in the awareness. We are looking for the substance of the awareness we have.
3. As the mind quietens and just the naked awareness of the experience becomes more visible, occasionally ask "Who or what am I?"

The method is so simple actually. Restated: the focus is to discover what or who is perceiving, the nature of the awareness we have, and not to think about it and if thoughts arise to merely include them as things we are aware of. We see the world -everyone perceives something -what is it that perceives?
Look at something -what is looking? If a thought offers an answer - what is looking at the thought answer?

The old joke works here.  Meditation -it's not what you think!

I have repeatedly written and said that I could not find the "me" I thought I was. When I first started after 20 minutes I found there was no "spiritual being" there that I was expecting to locate - it was quite a shock to the mind and thoughts flew around all over the place! Thereafter the nature of the awareness became more and more apparent.

Good luck. Have a go at it. It doesn't matter if you do or don't or what happens. It's just Life. It's all very Zen!

 

May I offer my mostest humblest huggfullest love?
Love you. 

Paloma Porta
17th January 2014.

Early October 2016

So I have not felt anything worthy to add for over a year. Now, however, there is something :-

On Acceptance

One is recognising that one already is that. (I am that)
There is nothing to do, to attain that. 
To seek something to do to attain it is to push it away!
One is already, for want of a better word...enlightened.

So one is accepting where one is (at), as regards the person that manifests in the world.
He or she may seems badly lacking or in need of improvement but as Alan Watts often said - how do we know what is good, or better, betterment.
He or she may be wanting both for a betterment as above and with desires.

But from above we know that we already are that and thus there is really no improvement required!
Therefore one is accepting the person we are now. 
Accepting the person with all their problems and issues and character defects.
Mindful that the judgment we place on the person and the person itself is all hot air, mere thoughts, buffoonery.
So one accepts the person we find ourselves living as both the ego and what has been called the "super-ego" that stands above the ego and judges it. It's all nonsense, arbitrary thought constructs.

Notice that acceptance in the self help spiritual community normally refers to accepting the environment and more specifically bad things that happen to us. 
But this whole construct is clearly flawed because the desire to change ones environment and the judgements upon which they are built and everything else in the thought world - is just something occuring.

So the key issue in acceptance is to accept the person one is living as. This person itself precedes, predates, and conceives the need arising to change ones environment.
We might accept the person as a priority and accepting the personal situations, bad things as we judge them and so forth all evaporate from there.

The metal processes, mentation, is a seductive and sneaky opponent (as it were).
The ego rises up to a higher self many times unnoticed and seems to claim ground for a new kind of "I" or "me" as soon as it has been reached.
One just needs to watch all this thunder and ballyhoo that occurs in the thought world and all the tricks separate out from the watcher or the watching.

Occasionally one seems to backslide into stress and thinking and trying to be more enlightened or whatever - but again this too can be ...laughed at! Backslide---ha!

Acceptance. I suppose I should add one needs to watch the acceptance as well - but this, though true in a way, is just dissappearing into some sort of mental deductive process perhaps.
Yes, the need to accept itself is just more foolishness, Buddhist ignorance.
As I said -One doesn't need to do anything.

Maybe die. LOL.
"When we die a little bit of God wakes up"  ( from Eric Dubay.)



Maybe that is the end of this work , this blog/book?
Paloma Porta
5th Oct 2016

 

The End. The Beginning.  (first draft written in March 2013 --I still like it!)

 I repeat: these remain my ideas and are of academic interest to you only unless they can show you the way to find your own truth.

Don't accept any ones ideas, including these written here, to mold and adjust what you find in your meditations.
What is your truth?

Arrogance is Bliss!!! 

(arrogance isn't bliss really -but you get the idea- find your own truth... arrogance maybe bliss -  perhaps everything is bliss!).

This method or approach has worked for me. The depression has gone and I have found Peace, blessed Peace. I was looking for Peace and answers for a long time and little did I know they were within me and who I am. I am Peace.

I will always be here though – here if you need me – should you ask – in this reality or any world that manifests I will be somewhere in an avatar always –I know that. I cannot fully embrace an “Enlightenment” that includes moving into a Nirvana or Land of Bliss without you with me. It’s hard to explain.

I write this as Paloma Porta. You cannot buy this book, you have read it, it’s free. I remain as an anonymous voice and not for profit: as such I feel it pays better respect to the message.

The message is all that is here. It is a message touched by Grace. It is from you to you.

For love.

Just love.

Paloma Porta

January 2014



That's It !
love
Paloma Porta
9th February 2015